Just Be.

On January 27, 2013, Dayne Kaufman, one of my lifetime friends passed away. I would like to share the story of our relationship.

I was 10 years old and volunteering at the local YMCA. One day while I was working, I saw a black motorcycle pull up to the front doors with two people on it. The passenger got off and came inside. He. Was. Cute. I knew that I wanted to know this guy. This was the first time that I saw Dayne.

I was busy at the time, but later, I was walking down the hall and saw him again. I remember this like it was yesterday, not 15 years ago. I saw him towards the end of the hall, sitting at a table piled high with bright yellow papers. He was folding the paper and stuffing them in envelopes. I introduced myself and we hit it off. He gave me his AIM screen name that day. We worked on stuffing mailings and answering phones at the front desk all summer. It was a great few months. 

That summer, we were the volunteers with the most hours. The last month of the summer, I beat him out by 2 hours to earn Volunteer of the month. For your information, I had 41 hours per week average, and he had 39. We were hard working 10 year olds.

We went to different middle schools, but kept in touch online and saw each other at YMCA events and the over next few summers. When we heard that a new high school was opening with a "Specialty Center For Information Technology and Computer Sciences", we both applied. 

We were both accepted. I remember when he told me over AIM. I was so excited to have been accepted to the program, but was anxious because I would be leaving all  of my friends. With the exception of one friend from middle school who had also been accepted, Dayne would be the only friend of mine at the new school. With the encouragement of my family and Dayne, I decided to take the risk, and I am so glad that I did. 

Our last names are one letter apart, so we were put in the same homeroom. When we had a choice, he sat with me. (At his viewing, our homeroom teacher embraced me and told me "You were the first person I thought of when I heard. You guys cared about each other so much." He then shared a memory about how Dayne and I moved our hands like waves in the ocean when he said "SHHHHH!") 

Upon learning that I did not have an email address and he would have no way to contact me during school, he set up my first email address on my school laptop (before that site was blocked). He is (was....) always ahead of the curve in technology. I am sad to see that those emails are no longer on my yahoo account. 

We had a special connection in high school. He knew me longer than anyone else there. His love, passion and affection were like no other.

I trust him. I love him. 

Very shortly after high school, I became pregnant with Rainbow Girl. He came to my baby shower. The time between graduation and my baby shower was the longest we had ever been apart.

Two more years pass before I saw him again, at my wedding. This was the last time I saw my sweet, sweet Dayne. My friend. Over four years ago. 

Our last dance and last kiss. I love this picture.

He had moved 3 hours away, was very busy with his careers and living his life, I was busy raising babies. 

In our last conversation on facebook a few months ago, we talked a long time. It was the longest conversation that I had had with him in years. The last thing he said was:

Dayne Kaufman

ill make an extra effort to see u sometime soon

i love u to pieces, u know this

The next time I saw him was at his viewing. 

On the way to his viewing, he let me know that he was with me. Instead of following the suggested route on my phone, I decided to go by his mom's old apartment and as I was passing it, I felt the need to slow down and I looked to the right. There was the big lake that Dayne and I use to walk around together. The one with the bench on the far side that we wrote our names on. I have not though about that bench in a very long time. If that wasn't enough, I was sure it was time to turn in to the funeral home, and instead, I ended up in the parking lot of the place that the YMCA had their big party after the campaign that Dayne and I folded up bright yellow paper for 15 years ago. We sat together at that party. I had NO idea where that place was located, I was 10 when I was there last....and there I was. Wiping the tears, I eventually made it to the viewing.

I cried my eyes out at the viewing. I hugged so many people I had not seen in years. I saw Dayne's body- and knew that he wasn't there. He was watching us, fussing that we were all making a big deal about it.....and holding his weeping mother.

At the viewing, I talked to an old friend that I hadn't seen in a long time. A friend who had become a tattoo artist- a fantastic one at that- who I have followed on facebook. He and I discussed a memorial tattoo for Dayne, and I decided then that I would have him do it for me. 

On my way home, I felt better than I had felt all week. I had finally let myself grieve. All week, I had remained strong for my kids, allowing myself to cry only when they had gone to bed, when I was alone. I had not grieved with those who love Dayne as much as I do. Once I was able to, I felt a sense of peace.

The next day was his funeral. I held hands with one of my best friends from high school- Dayne had gone to prom with her. We listened to everyone speak about him. It was very hard to hear it all, especially seeing his extremely strong father cry at the podium. His dad asked that all parents tell their children as often as they can that they love them, unconditionally. 

After the funeral, we went into the parking lot to release balloons. On each balloon was a tag that had a message written on it from guests at the visitation and funeral. Upon releasing the balloons, a gust of wind took them all into the trees. Smooth move, Dayne. 

On Valentine's day, Dayne's family did a re-release of balloons in our high school's parking lot with success. 

I did not know Dayne, the adult very well. I have learned a lot since his passing. Although he was still the same passionate, intelligent, loving friend- but he had fully embraced who he was, and was really living. I wish that I had gotten the chance to hug and kiss adult Dayne and tell him how very proud of him I AM. 

Dayne lived his life based on the philosophy to "Just Be." It was also the title of his favorite song from his favorite band. He has those two simple words tattooed on his arm. In memory of him, I had those words tattooed on my arm as well. It serves me as a reminder first and foremost of Dayne. I feel like I have a physical part of him with me now, always. It also serves as a reminder to me to "Just Be." 

Just be myself.

Just be happy.

Just be honest.

Just be kind.

It can mean so much.

Dayne's tattoo and my tattoo.

A few days after getting the tattoo, I was busy, overwhelmed, trying to do too many things around my house, and I saw my children acting up, needing my attention. I began trying to clean faster. Then I saw my tattoo. Just Be. I stopped, and sat on the floor with my children. They instantly calmed and began to play nicely. Children know how to just be, adults need to be reminded sometimes.

His facebook has become his memorial page. His dad posts thoughts, friends, and WOW he has a lot, post when they are thinking of him, post pictures, post videos, and give support. The family that I have gained in those grieving the mutual loss of an amazing friend has been extremely helpful. We are not alone.

Dayne is the first very close friend of mine to pass away. I know that he will not be the last. With his passing, I learned a very hard lesson. Tell people you love just how much you love them. SEE people that you love, as often as possible. Facebook. does. not. count. Hug. Love. Just Be.

I love you Dayne.